Since returning the single life earlier this year I thought it was time to wise up on social media for singletons – the dating apps. The world of online dating seems to have moved on somewhat in recent years, no longer is it weird to meet someone off the internet.

Everyone has their disagreements on what the best website or app is to use, with some suggesting Plenty of Fish has more success than the likes of Match.com. But the intrigue still remains around Tinder where there seems to be a bigger momentum, and where it seems easier for people to sign up and start swiping.

The bigger pool of people is an advantage for somewhere like Norwich where it feels like the number of single people is still incredibly small. I don’t think Norwich is renowned for being a coupley city, so perhaps it’s the lack of phone signal and decent broadband that keeps the numbers down.

However, the ease of signing up to Tinder does come with its problems. Those, for instance, who simply cannot be bothered to fill in the profile either with information about themselves (which is fine if you’re only interested in looks) or those who cannot be bothered to put up a photograph (which isn’t so good if you’re swiping based on looks). Then you have those who cannot be bothered to fill in a profile but say “ask if you want to know”. Even worse, those who decide “it’s so hard to summarise in a bio”.

I am amazed from swiping through Tinder exactly what people think is appropriate for Tinder, or any other dating site while I’m at it. People who post pictures of their babies or their kids, people who post pictures of their cars, or pictures of their animals. What exactly went into the thought process?

After seeing the opposite sex swiping through Tinder, I’ve figured where it’s all going wrong for me. I don’t have any pictures of me holding a big fish, and I don’t own a flash car for me to stand beside. No one’s taken a picture of me in (or even near a gym), and I’ve not uploaded any pictures of me “traveling” on a gap year.

I don’t have a picture of me in a Tardis or stroking a tiger, I’ve not been to Machu Picchu, I’m not wearing a straw fedora in my pictures, I’ve not been snapped in Amsterdam, and I’ve not added any of me topless.

It seems like if you’ve not featured one of those in your profile, you’re not worth knowing on there.

When it comes to girls, it seems you’ve always got to feature about ten emojis in your biography, because Tinder is the new MSN Messenger (8). You’ve definitely got to make a joke about owning a Netflix account and not wanting the chill, you will have joked we’re going to lie about where we met, and you will tell us we can’t use the word “hey” as an introduction.

At least one picture will be in black and white, one might even be pixelated. You might only feature one picture featuring five different girls in your profile – leaving everyone to guess which one is you, and if there is a child in your picture you’ll be forced to clarify it’s your niece or nephew. There’s always the low crop top pictures too.

You might write everything in list form in your biography. My favourite are those who cannot be bothered to list anything, but they do manage to type out a whole series of song lyrics as if they had written it themselves.

You might mention you’re sapiosexual (who isn’t after someone smart?), 420 friendly, and you’ll still use “lol” (because as I say, Tinder is the new MSN).

If you’re not doing those things – you’re clearly doing Tinder wrong.

Written by Jono Read
Jono Read is a 29 year old from North Norfolk. He is a social media manager and a digital campaigner. He blogs about politics, popular culture, and marketing.