In this week’s episode was 25-year-old Natasha from Bridgend, a trainee teacher who you would assume from looks would have no problem getting a man. Except she has a problem with men who can’t spell or who have bad grammar. Even when they pass the test, she explains they’re all to quick to send her a picture of their Johnson. And if they’re not doing this, they’re apparently ghosting her. This isn’t something rude, but apparently means disappearing off the face of the planet after a date.
So step forward what the show defines as a ‘bright spark’ in the form of Luke. Like many men he’s looking for ‘banter’ and a girl with ‘big boobs’. A description which reads like a standard Tinder profile. Some might brandish him as a typical player, but he charmed throughout the programme, and Natasha’s luck was looking up. After glowing reviews of each other by the end of the show they all seemed set to have a second date by the end, until he too disappeared off the face of the planet. Or at least never got back to Natasha. What happens to these men after those dates, I do not know. Perhaps Natasha should have got part-time medium Stuart on the case, who was in the restaurant that night on a date with Mario.
My absolute favourite couple of the evening was 18-year-old student and “It Girl” Kim (of the socialite kind, not a computer technician) and 25-year-old vineyard owner Jack. If there were to be a couple that could provoke a reaction on the show, it was these two.
On first name terms with Harry and Hugh (that’s Prince Harry and Hugh Grant to you and me), Kim was neither impressed with the food in the First Dates restaurant or the drinks the bartender served up. She did however seem happy with her date, who dreams of being a millionaire. Presumably he will make his million from suing restaurants for bad food, something he joked about during the show.
On social media this couple got a rough ride, but neither appeared to take themselves particularly seriously, and seemed to be merry on a lot of good wine and whatever bartender Merlin was putting in the cocktails. What was most shocking to me was the fact so many complained about Kim’s potty mouth. Not because of what was said, but simply because I needed the subtitles on to understand the words in among the posh noise. While the two ended favourably, there was no conclusion at the end of the show. I am told though that neither met up after, and presumably the restaurant was never served court papers either.
Regular viewers of the show will know that the older couples are often the best, albeit more fruity with their intentions. Ralph Wiggum lookalike was back in the First Dates restaurant hoping to find his East End princess. And Levana, who announced early on she had not had a grope in ages, seemed just the woman he was looking for.
Now admittedly Terry’s conversation topics were not his finest in this episode. He spent more time talking about his desire for a Toad in the Hole (and not the Aunt Bessie’s type, if you get what I mean) than anything else. He had no idea what TOWIE was, didn’t approve of posting food on Instagram (I can sympathise) and admitted to not being able to keep up with the “Kajistans” (‘er with the backside, he proclaimed). But Terry was entertainment and pretty harmless even when he was describing the size of his sausage. But he wasn’t boring, and he didn’t warrant the outburst in the toilet from Levana announcing just that. Perhaps First Dates isn’t for him, he might be safer on Dinner Date where he can enjoy a homemade Toad in the Hole, or sausage surprise.
And that leaves us with 47-year-old Maria. Normally women on reality television shows are hounded for pretending to be younger than the age they’ve given, but most were in shock to learn Maria was 47. If she had claimed to be ten years younger we still wouldn’t have thought she was lying. While we were all in disbelief about her age, others were in disbelief that she could have been dumped by her husband too. Yes, she had been divorced, and turned to First Dates for hope.
Hoping to change all of that was pilot Paul. And he had turned up still in pilot mode, sounding like he was constantly giving out dreary instructions on a tannoy. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I’ve never trusted men claiming to be a pilot since the whole Deirdre Barlow married a pretend pilot in Coronation Street. To cut the long story short, Deirdre ended up in prison, and even Tony Blair appealed for her release. Anyway, it didn’t help Paul that whenever he spilled something down him he kept asking Maria if she would rub it clean. Fortunately, a scene we never saw with Deidre Barlow and her pilot partner.
Nonetheless, we found out by the end that the two were head over heels with each other, and despite the audience undecided about Paul, he had made divorcee Maria a very happy lady. By the finish we had also found out that the two had been reunited on a tennis court three months later. Whether or not Paul resisted the obvious innuendos about balls remains to be seen…
First Dates is back on Bank Holiday at 9pm. You can catch up on Series 7 Episode 3 on All4 as well as the first two particularly sweet episodes of the series.
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