Tonight on First Dates the big debate was how you wipe your bum, is it standing up or sitting down? Yes this is the calibre of the discussion on the programme tonight – it’s a far cry from the feels I got watching last week. Nonetheless I will pursue with the review.

Patrick and Angharad

First through the door tonight was Patrick, a nervous but endearing lad who said he had been on Tinder, swiped right for everyone, and still didn’t have any luck.

Patrick had been matched with mature student Angharad, who has the reddest hair and the whitest teeth on the series so far. Patrick was a big fan of her teeth which apparently are regularly whitened – something Angharad warned wasn’t good for her. “A lot of the things that you want to do aren’t good for you!” she adds wryly much to the shock of Patrick.  “You don’t take drugs, do you?!” he asks, unaware this is the least flattering thing to ask at the start of a first date. It went from bad to worse, as Patrick then explained just a few days before he was “sick everywhere” with nerves as he planned for his date. Not what you want to hear over a meal.

While Patrick seemed to make things particularly awkward in this date, Angharad didn’t help. Despite being British Asian, she wanted to know where he “originally” came from like Britain wasn’t the right answer. While Twitter was arguing over whether Patrick was completely straight or not because of his characteristics the arguments seemed to stop when he revealed he is a father of a ten-year-old daughter. The relationship with his ex broke down because his daughter was born with cancer, something that must have been particularly challenging for any couple. Nonetheless, Patrick didn’t dwell too much on this, explaining he’d met his ex-partner in Sainsbury where he regularly visited to get to know her.

Sadly the awkwardness throughout the date meant Angharad was less keen to meet Patrick for a second date, but they were up for meeting as friends. By the end of the show it was revealed they’d actually done that. Patrick tells me, in romantic news, he might not have a girlfriend yet but being on the show has sparked more interest on Tinder.

Madeleine and Alistair

Madeleine might be heading towards pension age but she certainly isn’t prepared to compromise when it comes to enjoying the finer things in life. She rejects the house vodka for something a bit more upmarket. Her date tonight is Alistair, a fan of classical musicians like Tchaikovsky and… Tony Bennett. Maddie is well travelled, she’s been around the world, and indulged in some of the world’s poshest culinary delights too. She wasn’t afraid to tell us all about it, poor Alistair can’t get a word in edge ways, but he’s happy to let Maddie continue. She holds regular “semi-private soirees” but she still can’t find a man to date. “When a woman is as beautiful as you, men are intimidated” Alistair explains, to which Maddie took as less of a compliment and more a fact. While Alistair gazed lovingly at his date, it was clear Maddie was interested in attention in whoever would offer it. Including Sam the waiter, who seemed more excited to talk to.

She did however have an interesting back story after she got caught up in an incredibly long distance relationship. She told Alistair: “I fell in love with Iranian, and lived as an Iranian wife. We weren’t allowed [to marry]. His family was Jewish and I wasn’t. After the revolution started and they shot up the British Embassy, he came to London and we lived in London for about six months, and then he had to go back and it was the Iran/Iraq war.” She didn’t go with him, leaving her on the hunt for another international man of mystery.

It was evident though that by the end of the evening Alistair wasn’t that. These two clearly weren’t going to end up meeting each other again, but Maddie could have been less sassy about it. “You and me are on two different planets” she told a surprised Alistair. Alistair begged to differ, but like the rest of the evening could barely get a word in edge ways to explain.

Molly and Hussain

Breaking down gender stereotypes tonight Molly the bricklayer was the next female through the door tonight. Molly describes herself love life like “spinning in a field of cow shit” which conjures up all sorts of images and questions. Clearly the male dominated industry has rubbed off on Molly because for most of her night she rolled out the banter which involved offending people as much as possible and then blaming it on the “bants”. Hussain made the mistake of turning up in boat shoes which meant 90% of the jokes throughout the date revolved around his shoes. “He usually has salt water” she told the waiter when he asked about the type of water Hussain wanted to order.

Despite only being 19 and with having good looks on her side, Molly feared she hadn’t really felt love, and didn’t like putting herself in a situation where she could be messed around. Later on in the date we learn that Hussain had lost both his father and sister to cancer around the same time. Losing one close relative must have been devastating, but one cannot imagine how tragic losing a second must have felt. Nonetheless, Molly was there to pick up the pieces. “They’re both looking down on you… IN YOUR BOAT SHOES” she assures him.

After all that Hussain still seems to be a fan of the company and the evening, but Molly was less so. “I feel I could have a laugh with you, but I couldn’t take you home and have a laugh with” she told Hussain. They end up hugging it out, and Molly says she’d learned a lesson from it all, which is to not take the p*ss out of men as much.

James and Martin

Finally through the doors tonight an all male couple. 39-year-old James from Liverpool is an events manager who was last romantically linked to a man who has now been imprisoned for murder after his killing his ex-partner with a flat screen television. It sounds like a Daily Mail headline. Presumably whoever he is matched up with next is going to be somewhat an upgrade on previous dates. James’ date is Martin, a 34-year-old barber from Manchester, who once owned a strip club.  Both seemed to bond very quickly, and they certainly had some unique stories to explain how they’d both ended up in the First Dates restaurant.

Martin is about to become a father – in just a matter of weeks – with his best friend. James’ ex walked out on him while he was at Glastonbury festival and moved to Australia without saying goodbye. James also had a tough childhood, his dad was seeing another man behind his mum’s back shortly after his grandmother died. His answer to all this was to run away to Paris where he worked at Disneyland working as a chimney sweep in the Mary Poppins part of the park.

Things seemed to be going well until James went to the toilet and went a bit too overboard with the detail. Apparently he stands up to wipe his bum, something that seemed to appal Martin, and created quite a debate on Twitter. Nonetheless once they’d got over this difference the pair agreed to a second date, and were planning more dates after that. However, after the show aired it has been revealed by James that the pair have agreed to go their separate ways after all. At least this one seems to have ended more amicably.

First Dates Returns

First Dates is back next Tuesday evening from 10.00pm. In the meantime watch more First Dates on catch-up on All4, and read more reviews of this series of First Dates on my blog.

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Written by Jono Read
Jono Read is a 32-year-old writer from Norfolk. He is a social media manager and a journalist. He blogs about politics, popular culture, and marketing.