Originally published in the North Norfolk News. Restored from the surviving column copy, with light typo corrections. Prices, predictions and opinions reflect the time.
IF you flick through the newspapers this week youâll see most of the headlines at the moment seem to be focusing on two things â whether Norfolk will have any post offices left within the next decade and whether we will be under the sea in a centuryâs time. Itâs all very pessimistic, and itâs got me thinking about what other issues we might face in the next few years. So bear with me as I gaze into my crystal ballâ¦
Firstly, as you would imagine, it will all about the youth dominating the headlines and I predict that new government proposals will mean anyone under 50 will be classed as a young person in society. Thatâs because their âChallenge 25â scheme for buying alcohol will be extended until pretty much every adult under the sun will have to be asked for ID to tackle binge drinking.
Meanwhile, with constant moans from the elderly, the council will attempt to prevent noise pollution at gigs. âSilent discosâ are already taking off across the country, and will no doubt be compulsory in years to come. The idea is that everyone is given a pair of headphones and an iPod to dance to their own tracks for the duration of the disco without making any real noise. This will ensure the elderly get the peace and quiet they desire, and keep them off councillorsâ backs.
Secondly there are the on-going transport issues which will no doubt be just as unpleasant in the future. With increasing price hikes on trains each year, and following the strategy of a certain airline, Norfolkâs train companies could employ actors to fill their carriages up. This will mean abusive teenagers will sit next to you swearing and playing out music on their mobile phone, whilst being paid!
Following in the foot steps of many English cities, there may also be a congestion charge in the small towns of Holt, Sheringham and Cromer. This would mean the towns could raise some more money and avoid having to go through more lengthy petitions to create additional car parks.
Elsewhere education will have to reform with the changing times. With GCSEs and A-Levels already being considered a joke by the media, the government will shake-up the courses to include more practical lessons. Darts will make it on to the physical education syllabus in a bid to make it more exciting, and body piercing will be considered acceptable in art.
There will also be more cause for concern when health statistics show that the average classroom chair will have doubled in diameter to cater for the regionâs obesity crisis.
Norfolkâs very own accent could disappear too if it was down to the EU. Brussels has always wanted to unite the countries as one, and a way they could do this is if they were to scrap our accents. Imagine the controversy if they demanded we all spoke the Queenâs English instead of the dialect we pride ourselves on.
But most disappointing of all could be the end of our local media as we know it. BBC Radio Norfolk could give into the elderly listenersâ demands and freeze their DJs to ensure the broadcasters live forever, and ITV Anglia may outsource their news to India.
Of course these are just the suggestions of a sarcastic teenager who spends his evenings absorbing the newspapers, but in a growing politically correct world it wouldnât come as a surprise if any of these stories did end up in the news. And, suddenly, Norfolk ending up under the sea doesnât seem so bad after allâ¦